IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second