*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
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-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one