I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
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Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time