@CandyEmpires

Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.

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@Rainmaker1973

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

@panmidwest

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

@bobvulfov

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

@VerifiedDrunk

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

@KylePlantEmoji

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

@panmidwest

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

@not_delicate

(At a 5yr old’s birthday party)

Me: I can’t believe they scheduled this party during nap time. It really messes up our whole routine.

Another mom: Wow, your kid still naps?

Me:

Her: hello?

Me: Zzzzzz

@Michael1979

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

@dumbbeezie

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist