Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.

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Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.



-Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom.


My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.


I prepare my daughter for disappointment by always giving her the iPad with a 4% charge.


Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.


[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.


Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.


For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.


I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?