Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.

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This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”


BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]


KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok


Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….


Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?


THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!



(At a 5yr old’s birthday party)

Me: I can’t believe they scheduled this party during nap time. It really messes up our whole routine.

Another mom: Wow, your kid still naps?


Her: hello?

Me: Zzzzzz


If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*


Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist