@CandyEmpires

Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.

You Might Also Like

@KMoFlo_official

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

@ilovepie84

“LET MY PEEPHOLE GO!”

-Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom.

@RtrJan

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

@salamingia

I prepare my daughter for disappointment by always giving her the iPad with a 4% charge.

@Rollinintheseat

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

@MatCro

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

@MsNitnots

Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.

@RexHuppke

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

@jordan_stratton

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?