Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool