Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

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One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.


‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.


ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
BAT: say it


I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.


If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.


Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. 🙁


me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?


My boyfriend:

Me: hey no pressure but if we got married this week on 4/20 our 50th anniversary would be 4/20/69 just something to think about


My son just looked at his best friend of 5 years and said “hey you” because he temporarily forgot his name and I’ve never felt closer to him.


If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.