[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
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I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do