Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
There are no pants in heaven.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.