@Savage_Scavange

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

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@skickwriter

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

@TheRolo

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

@_whatwhatwhat_

gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs

[later]

gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs

@TeaPainUSA

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

@KeetPotato

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

@BoomBoomBetty

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

@Hadzilla

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

@ShortWhiteNUgly

Me: I found a job!

Mom: That’s great! What is it?

Me: debt collection!

Mom:….

Me…..

Mom:…

Me: I think you know why I’m calling.