You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs
gf’s dad: what do you do
me: i give out free drugs
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Me: I found a job!
Mom: That’s great! What is it?
Me: debt collection!
Me: I think you know why I’m calling.