idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
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This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.