crying
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“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.