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Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
broke down and did it
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.