@hog_mild

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

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@HairyJew4Life

My girlfriend is like my bike.

Some black guy stole her from me too.

@ArfMeasures

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME: Sure [loudly chewing a steak] I haven’t brought any money

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

@NYC_Blonde

There should be an option on travel websites that let’s you search for “flights that are least likely to have noisy children”.

@KeetPotato

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

@English_Channel

🎵Well we’re movin on up, 🎶

Me: cool, where?

🎶To the east side.🎵

Me: a house?

🎵To a deluxe apartment in the sky. 🎶

Me: Like Cloud City? From Empire Strikes Back?

@mstluvstrinkets

Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.

@House_Feminist

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

@prodigalsam

Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius.