idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
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MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me buying fruit and veg
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy