@theaditidebnath

idk why the judge was so mad i was snacking during jury duty when she’s the one who called for hors d’oeuvres in the court

You Might Also Like

@TheSharona06

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

@AdamBroud

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

@thatdutchperson

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

@TheOutli3R

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

@AngelaEhh

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

@GamerPres2020

I want to thank The Squad for their endorsement of my presidential run today. These four are true leaders and together we are going to transform our country so that it works for all of us. So again, thank you Raphael, Michaelangelo, Donatello, and Leonardo. Cowabunga, dudes.

@lisaxy424

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

@markhoppus

Watching Riverdale with my son has afforded us important discussions like not to lie to the police when your twin brother dies mysteriously.