Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
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I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.