Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
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Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: (talking to anyone)
Largest and darkest hair in my nose: I WANT TO SAY HI TOO!
Dayton hoops player has a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad night.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Calling me instead of just texting
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…