If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
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Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
The best shot in the history of golf
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
your elf on the shelf was delicious
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.