@3sunzzz

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

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@extranapkins

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

@Darlainky

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

@rocketreturn

genie: i shall grant you three wishes

me: i wish for a world without lawyers

genie: done, you have no more wishes

me: but you said three

genie: sue me

@mikejanson2

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

@ColeNoorda

Wife: How’d therapy go?

Me: She said I need to share more details about my experiences with you.

Wife: And?

Me: That’s it.

@jonnysun

“911 wats ur emergency”
hi– huh? um– so, uh– ah. oh geez. well im only just now realizimg that the girl at the bar gave me a fake number

@rockymomax

Bank robber: EVERYONE BE CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT
Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE
BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt