@3sunzzz

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

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@daemonic3

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

@_troyjohnson

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

@lloydrang

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

@AndyRichter

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: (talking to anyone)

Largest and darkest hair in my nose: I WANT TO SAY HI TOO!

@meganamram

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

@funnyordie

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

@ShootyDoody

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…