I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
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The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I wish that my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
genie: i shall grant you three wishes
me: i wish for a world without lawyers
genie: done, you have no more wishes
me: but you said three
genie: sue me
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Wife: How’d therapy go?
Me: She said I need to share more details about my experiences with you.
Me: That’s it.
“911 wats ur emergency”
hi– huh? um– so, uh– ah. oh geez. well im only just now realizimg that the girl at the bar gave me a fake number
Bank robber: EVERYONE BE CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT
Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE
BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt