@briangaar

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

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@daddydoubts

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

@SamGrittner

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

@dorsalstream

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

@mack44_d

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

@Seinfeld2000

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

@Stellacopter

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

@sageboggs

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

@notalogin

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

@RiotGrlErin

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.