If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
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I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*