When a pregnant woman swims she is literally a human submarine.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
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HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I dated a meteorologist once just so I could be with a woman who wasn’t right all the time.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
If there is not a open bar and a goddamn delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[12 doctors in a meeting] alright. which one of you idiots leaked the 1 weird tip to lose weight that doctors wont tell you. IDIOTS!
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.