[first day as a doctor]
me: u have breaked both your legs
patient: damn! so now?
me: we will be putting ur legs in a bowl of rice
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
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Me: ruin me for other men
*Two kids later*
Me: not like that
I was married for 13 years and I swear, the only thing I learned is bras don’t go in the dryer.
You know what really makes me smile?
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering “Your end is nigh, letter boy.”
Me: [being murdered] Sorry, did my wife hire you for this?
Him: [still stabbing] Yes she did.
Me: How much is this costing me?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.