If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

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[first day as a doctor]

me: u have breaked both your legs

patient: damn! so now?

me: we will be putting ur legs in a bowl of rice


I was married for 13 years and I swear, the only thing I learned is bras don’t go in the dryer.


New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday


I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering “Your end is nigh, letter boy.”


Me: [being murdered] Sorry, did my wife hire you for this?

Him: [still stabbing] Yes she did.

Me: How much is this costing me?


The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus


I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.