Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
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whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Alexa, make me look good naked.