If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
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My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children