*girl rests her head on my shoulder*
-Are you flexing?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
You Might Also Like
I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It’s not like you’re a giant turtle or anything.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I’m pretty sure Tom and Jerry were married.
Sure, there were some instances of them getting along, but mostly they never talked and spent their days trying to kill each other in the most painful way possible.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.