if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
the official breakfast of 2021
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?