@LizHackett

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

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@hunz74

16 Y.O. employee: “There’s a dirty diaper outside. What do I do with it?”
Me: “Is there a live baby in it?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Throw it away.”

@fishbowel

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

@HeyoShellz

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

@generaldietz

lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you?

me: yea…it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners

lifeguard: a squid?

@SomthinBoutSara

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

@buttsword

my favorite tweets are ones that don’t end the way you expecto patronum.