If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
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We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
#growingpains
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I just tested negative for patience.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it