[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
You Might Also Like
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
calling a guy “my ex”
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend
calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-but makes me look pathetic
I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.
Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class…. long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*