@LizHackett

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

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@sofarrsogud

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

@Ochayethewu

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

@Tmoney68

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

@danadonly

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

@DeanOkay

I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

@shawn_spree

A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.

@kbizzo30

Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class…. long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car

@Robert_Beau

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

@Book_Krazy

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*