16 Y.O. employee: “There’s a dirty diaper outside. What do I do with it?”
Me: “Is there a live baby in it?”
Me: “Throw it away.”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
You Might Also Like
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
“This isn’t my first rodeo” -Guy at his second rodeo
lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you?
me: yea…it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners
lifeguard: a squid?
my heart says yes but my mom said no
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
– traveling zombies
my favorite tweets are ones that don’t end the way you expecto patronum.