@eyeswidebutt

if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence

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@Gorilla_Turd

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

@WeissBrandon

I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said “yes” and I’m completely lost, I’ve never played the game like this before.

@AnOrangeSNES

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

@_SingleBabyMama

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

@theshantilly

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

@Jake_Vig

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

@mjkspeaks

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

@RobertManchild

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.