I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
You Might Also Like
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.