I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence
You Might Also Like
Someone greased my downward spiral.
I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said “yes” and I’m completely lost, I’ve never played the game like this before.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Me: Go ahead.
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.