If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
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Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Never ghost your hitman.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
HR said no more nunchucks.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Candles never taste the way they smell
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”