If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
You Might Also Like
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
What the hell is going on?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Google assistant rules
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?