I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
This could be us but you eatin’
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song