*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?