If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
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My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Always…
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!