If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
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Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
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If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes