@nachosarah

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

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@SCbchbum

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

@BGH70

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

@Staggfilms

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

@DrainBamagedHD

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

@tripeface

My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am! Can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

@yoyoha

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

@joshgondelman

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

@lil_dead_girl_

I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up.

It hasn’t so I had some cheese.

@pharmasean

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

@BradBroaddus

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.