Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
You Might Also Like
This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh