@nachosarah

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

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@1KelliBelle

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

@hell_homer

This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]

@GlennyRodge

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

@Kids_kubed

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

@errdayhustlah

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

@StupiDucker

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

@HatfieldAnne

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

@mashyboo

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

@AngryRaccoon2

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

@UTHBOMB99

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh