IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
then why did i get this email
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children