IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
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Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.