[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
You Might Also Like
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.