@dire_beard

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

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@TheMadShattter

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

@dumbbeezie

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

@RachelMComedy

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

@pilau

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

@Abusitron

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

@tobyherman27

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

@kelkulus

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.