god: make a giant mouse
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
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Straight to the Amazon wish list.
Mullet For My Valentine
Your house is too dirty if you see bugs with little suitcases leaving it.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I want a doctor and a lawyer to do commentary on Home Alone and discuss the severity of the injuries and the liability of the homeowners.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.