Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
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Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.