@dire_beard

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

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@pilau

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

@dmctaggart

Your house is too dirty if you see bugs with little suitcases leaving it.

@MikeSchism

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

@sofarrsogud

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

@GlennWool

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

@OctopusCaveman

I want a doctor and a lawyer to do commentary on Home Alone and discuss the severity of the injuries and the liability of the homeowners.

@jctwritesstuff

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

@StevenKJohnson

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.