If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
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8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?