If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
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Ladies, why y’all do this?
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*