just witnessed a drug deal
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You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.