if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat

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I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off


Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.


School supply list when I was a kid:

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.


30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion


I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.


The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT


My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.


What did I learn today?

Red Bull does not give you wings…and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.


[public execution]

Townsperson: these are always so morbid

Me: *quickly hiding giant foam finger*


[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you