there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I just love that new Pope smell.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.