I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat
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Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
School supply list when I was a kid:
School supply list now:
Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
What did I learn today?
Red Bull does not give you wings…and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.
Townsperson: these are always so morbid
Me: *quickly hiding giant foam finger*
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you