[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
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Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute