if a cop pulls u over play dead
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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.