If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
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Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now