@krisv_723

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

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@vangobot

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

@causticbob

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

@MatCro

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

@TheHyyyype

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

@thejamietighe

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

@YourPrincess_L

Relationship status

I just caught myself stroking my gear shifter in traffic.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

@Kids_kubed

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

@TheAndrewNadeau

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.