OFFICER: are u reformed?
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
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There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Which side of the plate does the phone go on?
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.