If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
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Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?