@IngestMyBabies

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

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@KalvinMacleod

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

@findmydolls

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

@osoplain

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

@chudneyspears

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

@Darlainky

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

@girlnarly

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

@jwoodham

“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.

@Annekinns

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.