If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
You Might Also Like
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Banking tips
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*