Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
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Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Don’t think of me as 40. Think of me as two 20 yr olds.
Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*