@PhilLaysheO

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

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@trevso_electric

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

@kentgrossarth

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

@ThisOneSayz

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

@BoomBoomBetty

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

@OrangeFact

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

@BrettDruck

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

@ThingsJackDigs

Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.

@MrDelFreaky

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*