My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
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Relationship status: can’t go to the same bar as last night, because I’m wearing the same shirt as last night.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates :
1. Nice shirt
2. Wow, a second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.
Wife and I laugh hysterically,
Then I die a little inside.