@PhilLaysheO

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

You Might Also Like

@ThatDamnFireman

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

@DumbConfessions

Relationship status: can’t go to the same bar as last night, because I’m wearing the same shirt as last night.

@mccanncreates

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

@AndyAsAdjective

It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.

@pizza_dragon

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

@undisturbedsoul

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates :
1. Nice shirt
2. Wow, a second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

@sad_saurus

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

@EJGomez

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

@CoopSoSarc

Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.

Wife and I laugh hysterically,

Then I die a little inside.