If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
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Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.