@Livsey1

If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome..

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@cravin4

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

@AmishPornStar1

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

@ibid78

My N’Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I’d regret for the rest of my life.

@donni

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

@steeve_again

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

@Shade510

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

@wallin_monica

My 5y/o just threw a 15 min fit because she doesn’t want me to get old. I had to tell her if she took a bath it would help me stay young

@pilau

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

@Tommytoughstuff

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?