If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome..

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Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?


This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen


Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.


Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?


One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.


In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing


Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles


I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top


I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.


Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.