If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome..

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Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*


Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.


My N’Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I’d regret for the rest of my life.


You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.


[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me


If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.


My 5y/o just threw a 15 min fit because she doesn’t want me to get old. I had to tell her if she took a bath it would help me stay young


medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me


[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?