Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
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“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…