If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

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The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.


Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe


Wife: I said any fantasy, I wore the police uniform! Isn’t that enough?

Me: Say the words

Wife: Ok… sir, I have bad news about your wife


Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.


Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader


A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.


[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker


“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff


“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.


*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.