If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
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The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Bed should get ready for ME
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
is this how new cars are made??
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife: