@Gupton68

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

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@hpb777

Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.

@david8hughes

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

@michaelianblack

The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?

@anhonestmess

A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds.

@bingowings14

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

@joeljeffrey

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

@BigJDubz

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger