Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
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[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?
A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
*smile calls police*
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger