“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
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To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?