If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
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Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.