@DothTheDoth

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

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@Huber138

Me: Would you like to be a model?
Her: yes
Me: are you comfortable with nudity?
Her: Sure
Me:

@OtherDanOBrien

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

@iamkevinito

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

@AGStr8upNinja

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

@JimmerThatisAll

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

@samalmightysam

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@Mr_Kapowski

If you’re ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill.

Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.

@WigCannon

“Can I see your ID?”
Sure, it’s…
*lowers sunglasses*
*raises them*
*lowers them again*
“What are you doing?”
I don’t know.

@parsfarce

me: i feel anxious

body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down

me: i feel much worse

body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now