@Stevie___C

If a dentist make their money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

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@AtticusFinch79

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

@AngryRaccoon2

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

@GoldenSpirals

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

@Jamberee13

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

@BackrowSeats

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I’ll sleep tonight as well. There’s also a pretty good chance I’ll take a nap soon.

@Ivsy01

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

@malt_skull

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

@sofarrsogud

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.