People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.
If a douchebag bungee jumps is it called a Bro-Yo?
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[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
doctor: you’re gonna need to take probiotics
me: oh i don’t think i can afford that
doctor: don’t worry, there are lower cost options
me: ah, yes. amateur biotics
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
5yo: “Dad we don’t have a chimney. How will Santa get in?”
Me: Probably through my credit card.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*