If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

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“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*



waiter: and for you sir?

me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy



[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?


“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.


Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.


I’ve just realised that I’ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.


I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.


If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore


me: [using doggie poop bag at park]

stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once

me: yeah wouldn’t want anyone to step in it

stranger: what’s your dog’s name

me: dog?


Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.