If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
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*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see