I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
You Might Also Like
My dogs: -17
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*
*spoon just disappears*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
ME: Say his name.
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks