If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

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I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.


[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*


A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.


Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.


That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.


Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom


I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.


WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?


WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
ME: Say his name.
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks