@NolaChef504

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

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@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.

@ojedge

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

@Kica333

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

@filmbizpro

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

@thatUPSdude

That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.

@meganamram

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

@Home_Halfway

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

@upsidedowntrash

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks