@NolaChef504

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

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@thatcarlygirl

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

@captainkalvis

waiter: and for you sir?

me: just a water [remembering my date is religious] but make it holy

@withanewname

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

@slaughthie

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

@KentWGraham

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

@ClearlyUnwell

I’ve just realised that I’ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.

@Thynebear

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

@noog

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

@daemonic3

me: [using doggie poop bag at park]

stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once

me: yeah wouldn’t want anyone to step in it

stranger: what’s your dog’s name

me: dog?

@BradBroaddus

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.