If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
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HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
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Me: Same
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”