He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
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My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime