@TheMichaelRock

If a dude is wearing cowboy clothes, is he ranch dressing?

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@prufrockluvsong

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

@skittle624

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

@leechee420

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

@rebrafsim

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

@TravLeBlanc

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

@not_delicate

Some people are dealing with real life crises right now and need your nudes now more than ever

@RatCasket

i want a girl with a short skirt and a laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge pizza

@0point5twins

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.