@Fred_Delicious

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

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@BackrowSeats

The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.

@AudreyPorne

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

@AndyAsAdjective

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

@iamspacegirl

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

@Fred_Delicious

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

@DaHess1

I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.

@yonewt

my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community

@ruinedpicnic

me: did you check the suggestion box
boss: we don’t have a suggestion box we have a paper shredder
me: MY DRAWINGS

@StrugglesBGbb

My mom told me today that she is surprised I don’t have a cat.

I told her I was surprised she has a husband.

@Home_Halfway

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?