If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
You Might Also Like
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?