@KalvinMacleod
BANK TELLER: to open an account I’ll need a first name
ME: Robin
BT: and a last?
ME: Dabanc
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*
@MrGeorgeWallace
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
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@KalvinMacleod
@BoomBoomBetty
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
@rebrafsim
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
@juliussharpe
I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?
@MilkshakeAnyone
Addicted to pills? Don’t worry. They have a pill for that.
@walkerwalt
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
@punished_picnic
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
@UnFitz
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
@OhNoSheTwitnt
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
@HereComesCunty
Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn’t get picked in a game she was playing alone